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Always arrive at a game with energy in reserve. Three packs of custard creams on route will ensure fully charged batteries.
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Great strikers
don't score "soft" goals. Even at 3 yards give the ball an almighty thump. This way when you miss, players will remark on how spectacular the shot was.
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DO NOT ever face away from your opponents goal. A true marksman, such as myself, cannot afford a split second of disorientation.
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Contrary to popular belief, strikers do not have off days. Those born with the ability inimalize. One strike every 360 minutes of playing time is the recommended rate.
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The greatest compliment from your teammates is deathly silence after a game. You know in your heart that some performances cannot be expressed with mere words alone.
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Contrary to popular belief, it is a distinct advantage to have two left feet. Some of the very best in the game
don't have the luxury of even having one.
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Mental focus is easily attained with a generous dose of Air Supply before matches. Failing that, chain- smoke twenty Malboro.
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Intimidate defenses by never running off the ball, throwing spontaneous sissy fits, taking vicious swipes at the youngest weakest player and often lingering in an offside position. Your unpredictability is what they fear most.
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Whenever possible
"do your bit" early on in the game allowing you the luxury of leaving before the final whistle (often to rapturous applause).
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Never pass the ball. Your team will begin to feel you are losing your nerve for a strike on goal. Your own confidence in your abilities is all that matters.
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Strikers are an elite group with extremely acute senses. What we sometimes lack in vision, we make up for by hearing things that perhaps are meant about us, not necessarily for us.
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If you should ever be off target, witty comments like
"who moved the goal" or "I'm not as sharp as usual
today" will amuse your teammates so much that they will soon have forgotten that you actually missed.
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Body hair increases drag. While those of lesser ability train, use your time to groom that smooth-skinned, all-the-hot-babes-love-a-bald-striker look.
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Warm up pre-game by striking at and hitting the floodlights, then the stadium windows, once you are hitting rugby-like conversions at office buildings behind the goal you are primed and ready to have goalkeepers fearing for their very lives.
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A great striker may not always be remembered for that glorious goal, the legacy I leave behind to whoever is unfortunate enough to try to fill my
"golden" boots, is that ball I drilled from 6 yards into the upright in the Macau National Stadium. That goal would have tied that game too!
¡@